"If You Like Pina Coladas..."
The Emails between Rupert Holmes and Natalie Pollock
Dear Rupert Holmes, My Ample Bosom Aches For you
Dear Rupert Holmes
Did I get to cuddle you in my ample bosom?
Did I get to kiss your big wet lips?
Did I get to lay with you?
— As Barbra Streisand (your hero) does with James Brolin
— As Bill Clinton does with Hillary Clinton, Monica Lewinski,
Jennifer Flowers, and everybody else
Rupert Holmes — Mr. “Pina Colada” Guy,
Mr. Pompous “Theatre” guy
My ample bosom aches longingly for you
Please my little man
Come to me — “Tuchus” (buttocks) – (didn’t you affectionately
nickname me that?)
Come to Natalie Pollock now
Rupert Holmes of Scarsdale New York, you know who you are:
— the singer and writer of the big top 40 hits “Escape (The Pina
Colada Song)” and “Him”,
— the writer of the Jets big top 40 hit “You Got It All”
(also recorded by Brittney Spears)
— the writer of “Curtains” , the Kander and Ebb mystery musical
(starring David Hyde-Pierce) on Broadway,
— the Tony winning writer of “The Mystery of Edwin Drood” on
Broadway,
— the writer of the novel and movie starring Kevin Bacon “Where
The Truth Lies” (do you know anything about the truth Rupert?)
— the writer of the novel “Swing” (you do know something about
that Rupert, don’t you?)
Rupert Holmes — Do you think “Mr. You Like To Lead People On” is
an appropriate nickname for you?
Carly Simon once sang “You’re So Vain” . Rupert, you probably think this
story is about you — and your leading me on e-mails (see herein)
AND YOU’RE RIGHT!!!
Yours truly
Natalie Pollock